Do you know what your love language is? Most importantly, do you know where your current partner falls on the spectrum of the love languages? Take the test and allow us to guide you through what this all means,
The “5 Languages of love” does not merely refer to what comes out of your mouth. It’s not about the romantic languages of the world. You may be adept at saying ” Te quiero” in passionate Spanish, “Je t’aime” in flowery French, or “Ti amo” in sexy Italian; but that won’t get you far unless you are dealing with a partner that responds to words of affirmation of love.
Life may be like a box of chocolates, but when it comes to humans and the mixed-up messages of love, it’s a packet of Liquorice allsorts. Everyone has a different idea of how to eat one; from gobbling in one exquisite mouthful, slowly sucking and savouring, to peeling away the different layers. It’s often a bitter-sweet journey into discovering what needs you have about receiving and giving love.
Love can be a dangerous war-zone. One wrong step may create an explosion or a slippery slope on an icy field into the freezing cold depths. You may end up talking to an alien who blabbers in a totally foreign language.
For those who identify what love language their partner or child thrives on, it can be a field of sunflowers basking under the sun or a clear blue sky of floating colourful balloons. At least that’s the premise of knowing the 5 Love Languages. Everyone is different, whether it’s nature vs nurture or life experiences along the way.
What Your Love Language Says About You
It’s a changing landscape of what love language you will respond to from one period in your life to the next. Childhood years may need to be filled with warm hugs and magic pressies. In contrast, horrible teen years of hormones going beserk may be the time of rebelling against touch, but yearning for words of affirmation or lavish gifts. Young adulthood can be like a Rubik cube of confusion, trying to work out which turn to make.
Adulthood is pretending to be a grown-up and to know everything, especially about yourself. In fact, it can be a scary time of self-doubt, mismanaged relationships, and trying to juggle all the different aspects of life in general. Eventually, the decrepit years of being elderly will make you want nothing more than a familiar touch or hug to know that you are loved.
Independent and busy people may look for “acts of service” over romance and touchy-feely moments. You don’t ask for help even when you may want it, as you feel vulnerable. You value efficiency and productivity. Despite this, you do want your partner to be on your side. You thrive on being helped without having to ask for it. You adore it when you can wallow under a shower while someone else cleans up the kitchen. At your worst, you live in your own bubble avoiding intimacy.
“I need to hear you say that you love me.” The love language of those who look for “words of affirmation” are easy to please. That is, on the surface. Underneath your brave exterior, you seek assurance and approval by those you love because you lack self-love. You don’t take kindly to undue criticism from your partner, as you put enough shit on yourself without their help. If this is you, take the time to stand in front of a mirror while repeating self-love affirmation chants. Or, get busy writing down what you like about yourself in big capital letters to boost your self-worth.
Some might argue that “quality time” is the best love language to bestow in a relationship. It’s the one thing that can’t be bought and is lost once the moment is over. If this is your primary love language; you will appreciate the time spent together, no matter what you are doing, more than a piece of shiny bling to hang around your neck. You hate it if your partner looks at their mobile more than at you, and special date nights are essential to make you feel loved. Beware that your need for quality time does not take on stalker or clingy attributes.
Bring me flowers or a beard comb (depending on your sex) translates to “receiving gifts” being your love language. You blossom when you get pressies and perceive this as a declaration of love. You may be on the materialistic side if it’s the price tag that counts. Generally, you are an easy-to-please person. For some, it’s how thoughtful or unexpected the gift is, no matter what it cost. You tend to buy yourself that mouth-watering ice cream or indulge in an extra glass of wine under the guise of self-giving.
For those into “physical touch” (not of the creepy vibe), you’re usually an uncomplicated, affectionate, tactile and playful soul. Kisses and hugs are freely given. You snuggle under weighted blankets at night, cuddle your dog on the couch and adore having manicures or massages. If your desire to continually touch your partner is always laced with sexual overtones, get ready to receive the odd cold shoulder.
Five Love Languages Summary
The book “The 5 Love Languages”, a New York Times bestseller written by Dr Gary Chapman and released in 1995, set tongues wagging about the way humans display and react to the emotion of love. He believes there are five ways love is shown and received: Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. It’s about learning what type of love language you respond to and what language you should be speaking to those you love to fulfil their needs.
Five Love Languages is an abstract concept based in psychology with no real scientific backing. It adopts the premise that each person has a primary and a secondary love language. If you want healthy and happy relationships without chaos reigning due to your different expectations, this is an essential tool to put into practice.
To understand what love language you respond to, the Internet has gone into overdrive with numerous quizzes to delve into your mind and discover your inner desires.
Acts Of Service Love Language
Madame de Pompadour would arrange lavish small dinner parties or amateur theatricals in which she starred for her lover, King Louis XV of France. These acts of service spoke louder than any words of love she may have uttered to her hassled man running a country.
You don’t have to go to the same extent. Especially if impersonating Brad Pitt or playing at being a pseudo-Heston Blumenthal (think triple cooked chips) is not in your repertoire of achievements. But, you could do anything that helps your partner relax or make their life easier. Grand gestures are fine, but it can be a little thing such as putting out the garbage bin or walking the dog. Spontaneously volunteer to wash the dishes or the car; just do something to lighten your partner’s load of chores.
Words of Affirmation Love Language
The juicy and volatile love story of Cleopatra and Mark Antony, as told by Shakespeare, is the definitive words of the affirmation of love:
“Fool! Don’t you see now that I could have poisoned you a hundred times had I been able to live without you,” said Cleopatra.
While Antony’s exclamation upon choosing to die together:
“I will be a bridegroom in my death, and run into it as to a lover’s bed.”
A bit on the dramatic side, but to the point.
Other historical lovers such as Napoleon (Emperor of France) spent hours writing letters and poetry to the love of his life, Josephine, stating:
“I awake full of you. Your image and the memory of last night’s intoxicating pleasures has left no rest to my senses.” A post-it stuck on the fridge with a smiley face might suffice.
If you are not in the realms of being a literary great or an Elizabeth Barrett Browning capable of scribbling love affirmations in poetry form: “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways,” you can always verbalize your infatuation with a simple, “I love you.”
Numerous phrases will make your beloved wilt upon hearing:
“I love the way you laugh,” “That dress/shirt looks amazing on you,” or some other words that express your unwavering love and devotion.
If you aren’t the kind to let loving words drip from your mouth, borrow words from a poet such as William Shakespeare. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou are more lovely and more temperate.” Your partner will either have a fit of the giggles or wonder what you are after.
On the other hand, be wary of saying anything negative. “Your bum looks big in those pants,” is not one that will be appreciated. It will take a long time for a partner to forgive such insult – whether it’s true or not. Never fake the words, because it’s like playing with fire – you will get burned.
Quality Time Love Language
We all know the meaning of spending quality time with a loved one, but how often is it put into practice? Life is full of interruptions. If quality time is the prime love language of your partner, you need to focus your attention on them for longer than a fleeting moment. Sitting on a couch watching a movie together while you scroll ad nauseam on your mobile, just won’t cut it. You have to be 100% present.
The classic gangsters, Bonnie and Clyde, are portrayed as young beautiful lovers and partners in crime. Their ending was together in a hail of machine gunfire exploding their love bubble of mayhem and carnage. Maybe this was a case of quality time love language going awry. To appease your partner that wants quality time, you don’t have to go as far as spending quality time together while planning robberies or polishing guns.
Quality time language can be given quite easily to a partner. It’s all about showing your loved one that you have put in the effort and determination to spend time with them. Pre-planning is the key, but spontaneity can be slipped in when the occasion arises. You have to be in the moment, so no mental gymnastics of thinking about work while having dinner by candlelight is permitted. This is the time to let out the inner flirty you with long lingering looks of unabated love and attention.
Never cancel or postpone a date as your partner will perceive this as other things happening in your life are more important than what they are.
Receiving Gifts Love Language
Think Adam and Eve and that devious snake giving Eve an apple to munch on from the Forbidden Tree of Knowledge. The apple was such a little gift that had enormous ramifications for the loved-up couple – Eve supposedly lost her innocence. So choose your love gifts wisely.
You could be as generous as David Beckham reportedly bestowing upon his wife, Victoria, a custom-made $500,000 Rolls-Royce Phantom and a diamond-encrusted handbag. Ben Affleck obviously had his mind on taking care of Jennifer Lopez’s nether regions during their brief entanglement. He gave her a jewel-encrusted toilet – imagine sitting on sapphires, diamonds, and rubies.
Gift love language for mere mortals with more rational expectations can be a simple sentimental token of your love. A pretty seashell from a beach-walk that you shared, or walking in the door at the end of a long day presenting them with a melting ice-cream cone of their favourite flavour.
Just don’t let it drip on the floor. The gift can be anything to make your partner feel loved and appreciated. Maybe not the slug you found when gardening unless they have a penchant for slimy molluscs. It’s the fact that you have taken the time to think of them while being apart.
As to the creatures with insatiable materialistic values that perceive gift receiving as the only measure of love, beware. You will be buying their love and maybe digging a money pit for yourself to keep on filling up.
Physical Touch Love Language
Having sex near the grave of your partner’s long-dead mother is not the ideal example of the physical touch love language. The romantic poet Percy Shelley and his proclaimed soulmate, Mary Godwin, first consummated their relationship in this fashion. Apparently, they were overcome by physical desire.
The Cuban revolutionary leader, Fidel Castro, allegedly had sex with at least two women a day. His physical touch love language was obviously a very great need. The deviant and sadistic Marquis de Sade, another historical figure fired up by the physical touch love language, indulged in sexual fantasies that may make your toes curl. Either in delight or horror, depending on your proclivities.
Physical touch love language does not require the use of “Spanish fly” as the Marquis was prone to use. It’s about feeling connected and safe in a relationship. If physical touch love language is your first love language, it’s holding hands, being cuddled, and feeling physically close to your partner. Physical intimacy comes in many forms, not just bedroom antics or moments of public display.
Physical love language can be confusing between couples. If you are a booty call type of person with no real concept of true intimacy, it won’t go over well with a partner that’s into physical touch love language. You need to practice the art of being physical with your partner without having to jump their bones instantaneously.
If you are still in a state of total confusion about which love language your partner responds to, try a different one each day to find out what brings a sparkle to their eyes.