I have to write this out, otherwise I won’t have the nerve to admit this later.  I don’t like to show doubt, to reveal my uncertainty, but I must seem so confident to someone reading this blog, a woman and her family charge around the world, learning languages, taking photos and kicking butt!

Yes, it’s just like that.  Well, except when it’s not.

Right now, I’m sitting in a cafe at the ground level of our apartment complex.  There’s four skyscrapers housing Korean, Chinese and expat residents and a few of us sit at our laptops in the industrial steel and concrete coffee lounge, sipping caffiene-products.

My son is upstairs.  I asked the nanny to watch him for four hours while I work, so I could find a place to write and study in quiet, an indulgence really, for a mother to an almost two year old.

I’ve never used child care before, and it’s breaking my heart.

When he was little, I could take him everywhere.  We traveled to five different continents with him, all while filming a documentary. We left Oregon when he was four months and haven’t been back since.  There’s pictures floating around somewhere, taken by someone else, of me with Cole in a sling, strapped to my chest and me leaning over a camera on a tripod, setting up a shot.

Not the one I was thinking of but I was able to find this pic from Burning Man 2010. Copyright http://www.technomadia.com/

I was reading the mothering-homeschool boards, which is probably a bad idea, I admit, but I felt so sad about my situation as I read about these women who are all stay-at-home moms, who say things like, “I stopped working immediately after my son was born.”  I’m not like that.  I feel bad that I can’t do it.  Drew could work, I could stop working, or I could only work occasionally, maybe writing 1-2 articles a week, settle down, give up the bigger projects, the website, the photography and just be a mom.

If I could do it, I would.  It feels callous of me to leave him.  I know he would prefer to be with me.  I’m struggling with this, and I know I’m not the first women to fret over her role with her children and work.  I just really want to say, “Okay, I will stay home with you, Cole.” I want to say it.  I try it on.  I say it to my husband.  I announce, “That’s it, I’m quitting!” and my heart screams out, “No!”

I know everyone says you can do both.  You can’t.  I can’t, anyway.  Cole wants all of my time.  He would also love it if I would nap with him and go to bed at the same time as him at night.  Anything short of this, and he’s disappointed.  There’s degrees, of course.  If I sneak away after he falls asleep, it’s only mildly upsetting for him.  If I read in the other room, he’s willing to let me be for thirty minutes or an hour.  If he’s had his fill of me, he might play on his own for spurts of time.  However, any amount of time spent working and not focusing on him, is a compromise.  One that I’m making on his behalf.  It doesn’t seem fair that I can unilaterally make that decision for him, because I’m clearly ignoring his vote.  I can’t ignore that or gloss over it or pretend like he doesn’t notice.  He does.

I know some readers will think, “Four hours away from your child?  That’s nothing!  What’s the big deal?”

Nothing.  Look away.  Nothing at all to see here.

I’ve been meaning to do a post on the supermarkets here in Beijing but I haven’t been brave enough to haul my big-ass camera around the teeming multi-level thunderdome of shopping known as my local Lotte’s.  There’s a lot of foreign brands in Beijing, like Walmart (same as the states except completely different products/brands) and Carrefour (a French supermarket chain) and Lotte’s (South Korean – Japanese conglomerate) and from the inside all three of them look almost exactly the same to me — but totally wild — I’ve never seen anything like it outside of China.

Starbucks on the other hand, is deceptively similar.  It serves it’s lattes ‘grande’ and everything down to the furniture seems like direct imports (doesn’t the checkerboard table below look familiar?).

The sugar comes in the same white or raw choices, but it’s from a different company and the packets have some delightful English translation work: “golden coffee sugar crystals”.  Mmm, just like mom used to make.

I haven’t been in the states for a while, so I’m not sure if this is standard, but I’m assuming it’s like simple syrup they use in iced coffees.  Or as known in China, “invert syrup sachet” which if I said that out of context, you’d probably have no idea what I was talking about.  ”Yeah, make mine a grande and be sure to get some invert syrup sachets!”

The branding though, absolutely consistent.  Green plastic cutlery.  The identical label with just a little Chinese added.  Of course, what you get isn’t quite the same — it’s heavy on the corn and red beans (sweet to the Asian palette) and there’s a mystery mayo-crab-something salad in the corner.  The dressing was vaguely asian-y like a little sesame oil was added in.  Overall, just fine for a salad from Starbucks.

The table advertising is the same, but note the blueberry cheesecake.  Blueberry is like THE fruit in Beijing, it seems to me.  If you want to make something fancy, just add blueberries.

This kid could be bored in a Starbucks anywhere in the world, but nope, he’s right here in Beijing.  (By the way, this place was packed.  Starbucks is crazy popular with expats and locals.)

Even the hardwood floors look the same.  It’s like someone picked up a Starbucks from Seattle and plopped it down in China.  Cole was kind enough to inspect the floor very closely and he says, “Yes, it’s practically the same.  I think I recognize this wood grain.”

The cashier spoke with perfect English, she practically had an American accent, and then everyone fell into Mandarin as they called the order back and forth to each other.  I asked my tutor if people like Starbucks here and she said, “I think if you work in the CBD  in one of the tall buildings [note: she means a corporate job, probably] then you’d like very much to bring your cup of Starbucks to work with you.”  Does she drink it? “No, it has too many calories! I’d have to run around all day…”