Even Pico Iyer Hears it: Why You Living Abroad Annoys Some People
30. Jun, 2009 
33 Comments
When I read Pico Iyer’s The Joy of Less on the NY Times, I loved it and quickly passed it on to anyone I could. The general theme of the piece is this:
Though I knew that poverty certainly didn’t buy happiness, I wasn’t convinced that money did either.
He talks about the process as he went through as he left NYC to live a simple life in Japan. But scrolling through the comments, I kept seeing the same things I had heard when I started telling people I wanted to travel (albeit not in such numbers). “Must be nice,” or “Not everyone can afford to just pick up and leave,” or my favorite, “I have a huge house and lots of things and I am so happy (so clearly you are wrong)”.
It’s no comfort to know that even a beautifully written piece by one of the most respected travel writers in the world still catches the author some flack. Was he being smug? Is describing your life the same as advocating for others to change? Is the idea of simplicity somehow an affront to people who can’t afford to be wasteful?
The next day, the NY Times editors posted a response, Simplicity at a Price, which quoted a handful of the hundreds of comments his piece gained in the first 24 hours online. The comments they chose were mostly balanced, but below, the comments section roared to life again.
Why is it that when someone has the courage to try a different way of living, there are always people lining up to tear it down? I think it’s several reasons:
1. The word “happy” is a strong trigger. Is it the self-help books or a need for constant self-improvement that causes us to latch onto the word “happy” like pitbulls? Have we been conditioned to believe that happiness is a single path that can be reproduced for the millions? Perhaps instead of trying to figure out why his path wouldn’t work for us, we could consider what our personal “Japan” would be. It’s not about his sparse home in the countryside or lack of internet access. It’s about what works for him, and his commitment to those values.
2. America is #1. Which America is that? In the cities? In a red state? In the countryside? On the beach? Even within our own country, there are countless opportunities for living very different lifestyles. We don’t get offended when someone says they prefer Seattle over Boston, it’s just a personal preference. There’s no difference when you move abroad, the flight’s just longer (usually).
3. “It would be nice to travel, but…” I’m sure Pico Iyer made plenty of personal sacrifices to attain his ideal lifestyle. Someone didn’t hand him a court summons one day that read, “Please report to Japan. Here are your documents and the funds you’ll need. Someone will be waiting for you and your new life when you arrive in Toyko.” So when people say they’d like to travel, but don’t actually make any plans or changes to make that happen, I know they fall under the “I like to think about traveling one day” group. I lived in that group for a long time. You can graduate, if you want. But in the meantime, let’s not pretend that travel is something that is handed to a few lucky people and you’re just waiting for your envelope.
4. I have responsibilities! While I don’t know Pico Iyer, I suspect he has some too. We all do. Yet, there are families that travel with their young kids, folks who sell their house or scrimp and save to pay off debt. Deciding to live overseas or travel isn’t a switch you flip, but rather a long path beginning with much smaller decisions. Do I want to travel? How long is enough? Where would I go? First comes the dream, then the untangling the responsibilities.
5. Absolutely everything is out of my control. Yes it is. You just gave it away.
So the next time someone gives you a hard time or snidely remarks, “must be nice…” just think of Pico Iyer, shake it off and say, “Yes, it is. I’m so happy.”
This seems this is a rite-of-passage for those of us who go down this path…
Though a few years ago, I honestly thought it was only my acquaintances who reacted this way, because “Oooh why would anyone want to leave San Francisco and American comforts?” Then of course, the rest of the chat then becomes about THEM. Your points 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.
I think you CAN come from a wonderful city, and equally enjoy going out into the world. What I get to see day by day is a privilege. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
One thing comes to mind, “Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those doing it.”
Today I gave a presentation to university lecturers about my @twitchhiker project; they wanted to learn about teaching media students about Twitter – they’re finding that more lecturers are using it than students.
At the end of the presentation and after questions, one lecturer came to the front and said:
“We all dream of taking a journey like yours, travelling the world with reckless abandon and meeting new friends, but obviously it’s only something you can do when you have no commitments, isn’t it?”
“Not at all,” I replied. “I have a mortgage, twin boys and I got married five days before the project started.”
The fact is I had to do it; it was an idea, my idea, and I had to see it through. It was difficult and sacrifices were made, but sometimes you have to be true to yourself and your dreams, otherwise you’ll never truly be happy.
P
Yes, yes yes!
Thank you! Just, thank you!
Having spent a fair portion of the last decade living outside my native USA, I can identify much of the sentiment of this post and of Mr. Iyer’s original post. The desire to see and understand more than what I had come to know within my own borders (which is admittedly vast) got me on that first plane, and the excitement of living (or visiting) in another culture has kept me in the lifestyle. Yet the lifestyle has come with a fair amount of struggles, sacrifices and challenges that friends and family back home really don’t have to face.
But while I sit and ponder some of the decisions I’ve made, I remind myself of the great adventures I’ve had and I smile. Because while there’s always so many reasons not to do something, I’m proud for having thrown a more cautious life to the wind and embarked on the trail I’ve blazed. And I try encourage anyone who will listen to do the same.
Nice post, Christine, very well put – and I loved Iyer’s piece, too!
I do think, though, that some of these reactions are a part of a vicious cycle. Pico managed to avoid this pitfall (because hey, he’s Pico) but in my experience it’s a sadly rare “I simplified my life and went off to travel the world” post that doesn’t insult readers who make different choices. 9-to-5ers are soulless drones, houses are for consuming, materialist assholes, and anyone with an ounce of enlightenment is traveling. In their rush to explain what makes them so happy, many bloggers miss the same points that Pico’s commenters did: that it’s not about one specific path, but about making the choices that make you happy.
Doesn’t excuse the real a-hole commenters, but to be perfectly honest, I can understand being defensive — I’ve read so much of this stuff that I was genuinely surprised to enjoy The Joy of Less. I expected it to be more self-righteous, brow-beating dreck. (I should have known better!
)
Interesting point about it being seen as a “personal preference” when you move to another U.S. city, but as treason (by some) when it’s to another country.
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Very thoughtful post. I’ve experienced a lot of these sentiments as well because I’m a freelance travel writer. I’ve come to the conclusion that many people perceive it as a threat when you dare to go against the norm. It takes courage, not limited responsibilities and commitments, to make choices that aren’t that common and people throw at their fears to guard against the fact that they haven’t dredged up enough courage of their own to consider these choices. I never take it personally because it’s really about the other person’s fears and not my own decisions.
Thank you for this blog. Not even just living abroad but even traveling alone gets much flack and judgment from others. I get A LOT of judgment and criticism for traveling. Even sharing stories of my experiences are seen as bragging by people who finish bragging about their newest Jaguar or second home. For some reason, tales of material goods are more acceptable than tales of experiences…but this society is very materialistic anyway. As a woman, this is even worse. I get more judgment from married women than single women because I am single and love travel. Anyone, especially women, who do anything outside of the pre-approved “script” for life will face judgment. The key is not to let it bother you and let people keep their closed minds to themselves. Everyone has to find their own path for their life.
Travel can be educational of course, beyond that it is doing what makes you happy that is important. No other person can decide what will make you happy and fulfilled. It is a personal choice, your choice.
I’ll let a couple of Brits cover the education angle for me.
“The knowledge of the world is only to be acquired in the world, and not in a closet.” – Lord Chesterfield
“What can he know of England who only England knows?” – Rudyard Kipling
Incredible. I couldn’t agree more with what was written.When I am in Italy in my village I experience every sense more acutely, I enjoy doing nothing and I can actually taste a tangerine from the first bite to the last. i also do not have a television when I am in my village and therefore I hear birds in the morning and I have time to talk with my neighbors who live 5 feet away.
Bravo to all those people who hve learned the TRUE meaning of life. i am only beginning.
Ciao
Oh, this is great–such a cathartic read. The America is #1 business is a particular sore spot for me, because the attitude assumes that because I travel, I must be anti-America or ungrateful. Quite to the contrary–I return from trips to the developing world with an incredible sense of gratitude for the privilege and opportunity we have, and humility after meeting people who would be thrilled with just a tiny portion of the freedoms we enjoy. Combine that with the fact that I am able to experience other cultures so frequently, and I’m downright blissful.
Liz @ Extreme Telecommute´s last blog ..Extended Travel is Good for Your Wallet
Great post Christina. It’s comforting to know that so many of us go through similar experiences. When I started telling people I was moving to Croatia, I just assumed everyone would be happy for me because that is what my reaction would’ve been. I was quite surprised when many people seemed indifferent or indignant.
To Liz: I completely agree that traveling makes me me appreciate the United States even more (and people just don’t seem to understand why I wouldn’t want to just stay put then).
It’s funny. I really appreciate the US less since my travels. I can’t stand big chains. I hate the business of the American life and when I am home I just miss everything about Italy. The people, the food and the lifestyle.
Our compulsion to achieve creates a truly emptiness in our lifes although we don’t realize it because we feel so important and are too busy to notice.
Ciao tutti
So true on the “must be nice.” I’ve been getting the “I’m so jealous.” My response is usually, If I can do it you can do it. Thanks for the article.
Aracely´s last blog ..I am a Corporate America Dropout
Great post – and thanks so much for linking to this lovely article from Pico Iyer. I think there are two types of naysayers, though: on the one hand, there are those who genuinely care about you and are concerned for your well-being and want to make sure you are making the right decisions; on the other hand, there are those people who want to defend their lifestyle because they are antagonistic or just enjoy a lively debate.
This debate actually reminds me about a blog post I read recently on the debate between child-free couples and parents. If you google “child-free by choice,” you will find incredibly nasty articles about the horrors of children and why people should stop populating the earth and, in the alternative, articles about why child-free couples are selfish and unsatisfied people. At worst, it devolves into a name-calling match which is what I think some of the NY Times comments turned into.
But, at best, it raises a debate about the many options people have to live their life. I enjoy talking to people who are surprised by our choice to travel long-term because it allows me the opportunity to widen their viewpoints and, perhaps, for them to widen my views about the world. So, I say, bring on the naysayers!
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Too true.
Whenever someone tells me the US is the best country, I ask them by what standard? If you want to look at the Index of Economic Freedom or the Corruption Perceptions Index, we’re definitely not #1. So what do they mean then? Health care or education?
When it comes down to it, what they basically mean is that we have a bigger army and economy. The army isn’t really something to brag about once they understand what that means for the average American and everyone else. And companies are fleeing the US based on economic advantages so that’s not a good argument either.
So while the US has it’s good points, it’s made up of people just like every other country in the world.
Oh my. This is SO right on the money Christine!! Ever since I started redesigning my life and traveling seven months ago, I started hearing the loaded “must be nice” comment among a host of other skeptical remarks. But at the end of the day, I have found my happiness, it took courage and dedication but I did it – and other people’s approvals are the least of my concern. And for those who want to know how I did it, I’m happy to share! Thank you for this post, it’s fabulous!
Yes, I completely agree. They are afraid of making the same leap of faith that many who freelance and live abroad have made, and justify their inaction by putting down the success of those who have moved abroad to live out their dreams. I also think that many believe that because you are doing what you are doing (freelancing and living abroad), you must think that what they are doing (working 9-5 and living in the U.S.) is wrong. They think you are judging them. This happens whenever you go against the grain. I’m a vegetarian and the number of people who automatically become defensive when I say, “I’m a vegetarian,” is amazing.
I also agree, that “must be nice” comments should make you feel good. When you start getting hate mail along with your fan mail, that’s when you know you’re doing something right!
One thing we hear a lot is: “You’re so lucky.” True, we are very fortunate to have our health and to have supportive family. But, we did not win the lottery and just wake up one day in this life. We worked hard and made strategic decisions about going without a lot that our friends had in order to get to this point. And, this lifestyle has a lot of uncertainty we didn’t have before.
We had a conversation this morning with some young German travelers in Nicaragua. As we explained our decision to leave our secure jobs behind almost three years ago and exchange our comfortable lives for uncertain ones of travel and freelance work, she started to look uncomfortable. Then she said, “But some people like to have a home and be stable.” We smiled and assured her that our lifestyle was not for everyone and the great thing is that there is room for every kind of lifestyle. And, the most important thing to understand is that we have the ability to make decisions and choices to pursue dreams, whatever those may be.
Thanks for another though-provoking article.
Iyer’s story was a good read, thanks for pointing it out. I think that while Internet comments are not a good indicator, there are many who assume traveling is some kind of elitist hobby and that leaving their home country is making a negative statement about it.
We all have our own motivations, influences, and dreams and just because you leave your home country doesn’t mean it leave you.
“Perhaps instead of trying to figure out why his path wouldn’t work for us, we could consider what our personal “Japan” would be.”
Agreed. People take things too literally, instead of thinking about how something relates to their own lives. There were comments on the article criticising the auothors choices and how it would be terrible to live in Japan, which totally ignores the point of the My Iyer’s article.
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Very good post. I love all your points you made. I want to also point out though that one doesn’t necessary have to leave their country to live simple life. I came from Thailand and I can tell that for as much as people is talking about backpacking and simple life there are still as many people in the cities who also embrace the material stuffs. So I think it’s just personal choice and we all should embrace each other individuality and difference rather than trying to compete on whose choice is better.
This is almost like the mommy war of Stay At Home mom and Working mom.
I think majority of people here (in America) doesn’t like to accept different view points and trying to push their own personal view to others.
I would love to travel around the world but I am not right now. It doesn’t mean I should not celebrate other people who is doing it. I enjoy reading about the story of all the world travelers and really inspire by them.
One is an excellent point: what I think (hope?) will make me happy probably has no appeal to most other people.
Pico did something I wish I could do. As you mentioned, the move would hard and would include sacrifice… Japan would be a good choice.
Good point about the cities
One of the comments above, by Eva, really stands out for me because I feel exactly the same way. There are times when I read some travel blogs that come across as insulting to anybody who is not following the same traveling lifestyle. I don’t think that’s the intention of the bloggers, but they’re falling into that same trap the commenter in Pico’s post did: “My choice is the only valid one”.
I do agree with the points in your point though, mostly because I’ve heard them before (and not always in reference to travel). People can be “judgy”.
We are starting our round-the-world journey next year. One thing that has been fascinating during this “prep” phase has been the reactions of other people. At first it sort of shocked me, but over time I’ve realized that their responses have more to do with them than they do with me or my life decisions.
The person who says “I could never do that!” or “how can you leave your family?” is not someone actually concerned about those issues for me (I CAN do that and my mom is thrilled we are going). These are their issues.
The person who says I’m irresponsible doesn’t know how much soul-searching, planning and saving goes into a decision like this. Irresponsible is squandering your life on something you don’t really want.
I liked Pico Iyer’s piece, even though I’m not sure I would go so far as to live without Internet on a daily basis, but I suppose we all have our limits. But I do think the comments had less to do with what he’s doing than with what other people aren’t. It’s not a judgement call on travel/no travel, but more a comment on why people would choose to disparage someone else’s life choices if they were truly happy in their own.
I’m so glad my friend michelle forwarded this post to me. I really enjoyed reading it.
I moved to Italy last year. I just wrote about how living aboard, contrary to popular opinion, does not mean you’re on a permanent vacation. Far from it.
Ha! I must make an effort to use the last two lines of your post more often
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Doesn’t matter what we do there will always be people trying to tear us down.
You’re completely right, I know I lot of people like that, I understand what they’re saying, but for my sanity and their’s it’s better that I just ignore them.
Otherwise I will turn out just like them and never get what I want.
Thanks for the great article.
Kaitlin M´s last blog ..This Is Why You Will Never Get Out Of The Real World
The dreaded “you’re so lucky” – how it makes me cringe.
Lucky, that I worked 60 hour weeks for a year to save the money to go away? Lucky, for doing the research, booking the flights, living on a tight budget, working for pennies overseas?
It’s a choice, and it makes me happy, but I made my own luck, and everybody has that ability.
Great article, thanks.
Camden Luxford´s last blog ..Remembering Mexico
Awesome! I am an expat in Asia (9 years and counting), orginially from the American South. I totally thought it was a Southern Pride thing that everyone challenged why I would leave the states…I mean the streets are paved with gold there, right?
I loved the editorial the Joy of Simplicity and your comments and those posted are great. We decided 5 years ago to retire to Panama. This was not an easy thing to do financially,emotionally and culturally. We hit resistance from family and friends with many very familiar comments. We persisted and are very “happy” here
.
We live up in a mountain community that is a nice small town of about 10,000 people. There are probably about 600 retired and internet employ gringos here. We are active in our church and I help teach quilting classes with friends in the community both gringo and panamanian.
Living in another country has many benefits and challanges and it is not for everyone! I applaud all you younger folk who have made this choice to expand your horizons. It takes sacrifice of somethings to reap the benefits of these travels.
I am sad that people feel threatened by the different attitude and life style that we have chosen.