The Psychology of Coming Home
24. Nov, 2008 
15 Comments
It will happen to you too. Eventually, despite what everyone says, you do have to go home again. This week, probably many of you are heading home to see family and friends for the holidays. If you travel, you do this after every trip.
The same cliches are true about both: no one will understand “what you do”, no one wants to hear the long version about it, and you’ll feel like you changed but the people back home haven’t. It doesn’t matter if you left for college or to live abroad, it’s the classic fish out of water experience, that we all have at some point.
But when you travel, you don’t have somewhere to return to. After the holidays, college students go back to college, family go back to their jobs, long lost relatives get lost.
Is it possible to be estranged from the entire world? Or is that just the schizophrenic nature of bouncing from one group to the next?
For example: You make friends in Spain, and they don’t understand Americans. They think of Spain first, then Europe, then the world. They see the world through this prism and imagine that Americans are very different– not just culturally and socially, but fundamentally.
You fly across an ocean back home into a new bubble. They see the world as their town, their country, and vaguely the rest of the world. The view is narrower, but the same. They don’t understand how people in the next town think. You’re like an anthropologist in your own backyard. Acutely aware of the strange and unusual behaviors of the natives.
You are a member of two groups with conflicting views, and you have begun to think like both of them. For instance: can I actually think Parisian cheeses and Velveeta are both good? And can I get either group to switch cheese for a day (not likely)?
So what do you do? Do you incorporate the two lives together, building a mesh of new life and old? Or do you blend in and enjoy each groups company on it’s own merits? For me it’s been more of the latter. I’ve been immersed in two different cultures, and I let them stay that way– different. Instead of becoming this whole new person, I’ve just let myself become more diversified. I’m invested in many different areas. And in it’s own way, that somehow feels better.
To me, do what the Romans do.
mich´s last blog post..Day 25: Mexico
Like you, I do the latter. And I find that if I think too much about the multiple aspects of my own identity (patched together from all the places I’ve lived and all the people and experiences in those places who have been part of my life), then it feels schizophrenic. But if I just live it, then it feels right– it feels like the best of all worlds, because I get to tap into so many different feelings and experiences. And cheeses.
Julie´s last blog post..Why I’m Not Opposed to Press Trips
That’s what adds to a fuller, richer life. That you have so many options when moving through various cultures and immersing in them all. The “new” life subconsciously builds itself based on those cultural experiences.
For me, I’ve been moving between two drastically different cultures for awhile – African and Scandinavian, with some American and British culture peppered in between.
Lola´s last blog post..Postcard: Changing Times
This is a really interesting question. As a writer, you’re always different anyway so I’ve never felt like I was totally a part of a particular group. I live as I travel, taking every experience for what it is and trying not to impose any preconceptions. Like you, I just become more diversified when I travel and it makes my life richer.
Fly Girl´s last blog post..Flying Fish, Saltfish Soup and Kingfish Ceviche
I try to just go with the flow of where ever I am at. Like you a diversify. When in Rome, I do what the romans do and not worry about the differences.
I think as you travel, you just get used to moving between cultures.
Nomadic Matt´s last blog post..How the Internet Will Change Travel
To answer your question: Yes! You can enjoy French cheeses and Velveeta at the same time. I know I do.
I think the best tactic is to simply adapt to whatever situation you find yourself in and find/use/partake in/enjoy the best (or at least the things that you, personally, like) that any given culture or country has to offer.
Tanya´s last blog post..Out With the Old
You hit on an issue that can have huge consequences, outside the French cheese vs. Velveeta debate, which is important in it’s own right. This has actually caused societies to fail in history. The Greenland Norse colony being one good example. They tried to bring their animals to a land that wouldn’t support them and refused to adapt to what the natives were doing to survive (hunting seals). Eventually, they gave up or died. Based on this, there is nothing wrong with adapting.
Chad @ Sentient Money´s last blog post..Hold or Sell the S&P Index Fund and GE????
I had a similar conversation a few days ago with an American woman I used to work with in Prague who recently moved back to the States. It’s difficult “coming back” at first.
I also do the latter. It’s really difficult to do the former (like Julie wrote) and you miss out on a bit of both worlds that way. The reality is that some people are genuinely curious about where I’ve traveled and want to know about my experiences, but the majority of people (in the US and abroad) are most concerned about what’s immediately around them, what affects them on a daily basis. There’s nothing wrong with this and I can learn something from them. If I’m asked a question about where I’ve been, I’m more than happy to share…but I am quick to spot when eyes glaze over as stories get too long.
Audrey´s last blog post..An Eye for Central Europe
Bouncing between cultures, between bubbles, even between cliques or groups of people with ingrained, inflexible shared values and beliefs, is always tough.
Perhaps the only group we really “belong to” is that group of similar travelers…
To adapt is never easy. I’ve been immersed in different cultures, and I wouldn’t want to miss that experience for anything. But home became a little lonelier every time I returned home. Does that make sense? Finally, I left for good and immersed myself in the country with the highest net immigration rate per capita in the world. Being different here is a little more normal
Fida´s last blog post..A Fork On The Road
The trouble with ‘coming home’, especially if you live a long way away and don’t visit often, is you tend to take an idealised view of the place and of the people, and are often disappointed.
Keith´s last blog post..Chutney
Forgive others as you wish to be forgiven.
I’m also more of the latter.
I like what Julie wrote “…if I just live it, then it feels right– it feels like the best of all worlds.”
Erica´s last blog post..Blogs With Beautiful Photographs
When you live in many different places (sez the part time former expat) your idea of what counts as home becomes not very sustainable. You can’t get Austrian brown bread AND awesome Chinese food in the Alps. If both those things taste like home, oh, it’s a hard compromise to solve. And distanced observation of some place that used to be home and maybe isn’t any more can be, well, obnoxious, right?
Existentialism seems like a good answer. I suck at that, for the record.
Great blog. Can’t wait to see what you come up with next!