What You Lose When You Lose the Title
01. Sep, 2008 
34 Comments
I used to have manager in my title. It was followed by “at XYZ corporation”. I won’t say where, but you’ve heard of it. It was impressive enough that at parties I didn’t have to explain further. When someone asks you what you do for a living, they’re giving you a little test. “Are you smart?” “Are you successful?” “What kind of person are you?” (But really, “Are you important?”) If you beat them at the title game they change the subject. If they are a doctor or a lawyer or higher up in the food chain, they wait patiently for you to ask, “So, what do you do?” They clear their throat, thoroughly pleased. “Well, interesting you should ask.”
It wasn’t until I shed this superficial definition of myself, that I realized how heavily I relied upon it. It told an entire back story about me, how I went to college and worked hard and moved up in the world. Now I say, “nothing” and smile. It’s a little shocking and less than what I do, but it avoids an entire complicated conversation I don’t want to have. Saying, “writer” brings on the second test: “Where have you been published?” They are deeply disappointed when they haven’t heard of the places I list. Saying, “blogger” is slightly more shocking than nothing, but then they want to know How and Where and How Much I Make. They might have a cousin who blogs and they’re thinking about doing it too. I love talking about blogging, but not in this context. In this context, I’m on the defense, trying to explain why it is Valuable and Important. I’m fighting for the cred of all bloggers. I just want another drink.
When I had a job and a regular paycheck, I hated it. But now, two months into my travels, writing full-time and sans title, I’m staring down a different barrel. “So what do you do for a living?” Good question. In my heart, I’m a writer, and some people think I’m good at it. A lot of editors don’t agree. The other day I applied for a writing job that I considered well beneath me. It paid practically nothing. Other writers scoffed at it. And I got declined.
Lesson #1: If you are going to base your self-worth on your career, don’t be a writer. The daily rejection will have you crying in the shower faster than you can say “lack of health insurance”.
Being self-employed or creatively unemployed or however you chose to name it, requires a re-engineering of your core coping skills. You’ve been living with this crutch and those muscles that hold you up and say, “I am not my job” have atrophied. At first you’re flopping around like a fish out of water (well, you are one at this point) trying your best to talk your way out of a conversation that has uncomfortably turned towards what you’re going to do after you’re done “playing around”. Or you might use the “I used to be a…” cover. However, it won’t be long before someone calls your bluff on this little device. Ultimately it’s all the same vacuum, sucking your energy to fill in the spot where that all-defining title used to be.
Eventually, you shake it off.
I have this conversation now, and watch from a few feet above myself. I’ve lived on the other side, I know the old reaction. Now, people will feign interest or politely smile, but there is always this hint of judgment. They wonder what anyone would. I’ve given them no clues about me; I haven’t comforted them at all. I lost my title, but I’ve also lost the shorthand we use to communicate characteristics about ourselves.
Lesson #2: If you are going to tell people you do “nothing” for a living you better have a good joke or be fast with the drinks–before they have a tiny seizure.
The first thing you forget when you take the leap, is that not everyone has taken it with you.
In being married to a “neuroscientist,” I’ve learned quickly to not people judge you by your job title or to just let it slide right off my back when they do anyhow. Though my husband is always quick to claim that I’m smarter than him (debatable), I can tell you that most of his science friends don’t think so. To them, if you’re not a scientist, you’re dumb. At first I found this really offensive (and I still do if I think about it hard), but mainly I’ve just gotten over it. I know my own intelligence, value, worth, etc., and if they don’t, that’s not my problem.
Being a writer is hard. And to those who don’t understand…or don’t understand it unless you have a novel on the NYT’s best list or just published something in National Geographic…it’s pretty much incomprehensible. But all of us fellow freelancers–writers, editors, artists, etc.–understand that it’s a damn hard job and requires a hell of a lot of courage, and at least I for one, applaud anyone with the guts to walk away from the title and into the gap of making it on your own.
(Also, don’t let yourself believe that all those editors writing rejection letters think you’re not a good writer. Honestly, that’s not it. There are four billion other reasons for it–most completely out of your control. Just keep pushing on, and because you are in fact a good writer (anyone who reads this blog knows this), you’ll get your break.
Compared to the thrill of working for a title, writing is lonely. But isn’t it worth the trade – giving up outward recognition for getting in touch with your true thoughts and feelings!?
Stick with it, your writing captures our attention and inspires us.
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“The first thing you forget when you take the leap, is that not everyone has taken it with you.”
I love this last line.
I imagine it took you quite a few years to get to that last title of yours. It will also take time to establish your new title as a writer. Just keep at it and it will come.
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And it seems that a title is something important all around the globe.
Here in New Zealand, where ~20% of the population is made of expats, is common to hear people saying “here my job is X.. buuuutt I used to be Y in my country”.
I guess it’s alright for some people to have a “sub-job” when living abroad, speaking a different language and stuff.. but it’s still hard to leave behind a whole life of studies and success and don’t tell anyone what you’re able to do.
I hear “what do you do?” all the time…If I’m doing the asking it’s usually something along the lines of “how do you spend your time?” When asked I like to proudly declare “I’m a part time ski bum!” and sometimes, if the situation is appropriate hand ‘em (if images work in comments?) this:
Remember that what you have done IS a leap and that you didn’t have to have it all figured out when you leapt. Now is the time your taking to configure a new you and to introduce you to the world.
We all have to be careful not to pigeon hole people based on their occupation – we are all more than our occupation (Theresa, I’m sure that Jeff comes up against this too). However, this is a custom that occurs across cultures and across time so we have to prepare ourselves for it too.
A very powerful post today Christine! The last line being the most powerful…
Sometimes, you also get instantly judged by people already assuming things about you without even asking. After living outside the US and its media for a couple months, found myself sitting silently through dinner with a couple Americans who probably felt there was nothing I could contribute to their conversation. Any titles I had/have probably didn’t even matter as the questions never even came.
As you indicated, it can be very dangerous to base self-worth on career and as an IT consultant, I can fully relate.
Theresa is absolutely right! Rejections aren’t an indication of your actual writing talent. The whole writing industry just seems to be a catch 22 scenario.
Sometimes, great ideas you pitch (I suspect) can sometimes be handed off to more established writers to work on, while you’re sent a nice little “no thanks” or “we’re already working on that idea”.
You know you’re a great writer. Only you can fully understand the depths of your talent.
That’s all that truly matters.
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It’s tough to make that switch. It takes a certain level of self-confidence to not care about what they think.
But they all secretly wish to have the freedom you now have away from the 9 to 5 job.
I love when people ask, “What do you do?” so I can tell them I’m a blogger. It’s a HUGE part of my identity, but it actually fits me so that’s ok. I’m free spirited, make my own rules, I enjoy being funny and creative. It works for me. If people judge me by my title, Professional Blogger, they’re not usually too far off base, so let ‘em think what they will.
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Christine-
When people ask me the same question, I love the conversation– AND the next drink! The conversation usually leads to people with titles at XYZ corporations confessing that they wish they could just chuck their jobs. And then I explain how I can. This just happened yesterday at a restaurant in Mexico. Francisco and I met a group of American expats who live here. They asked what we do for a living. I said “Well, we’re writers, and photographers, and he’s a chef, but really we’re professional dilettantes.” People love that line, and I give you full authority to use it!
This led to a 30 minute conversation that was amazing… AND an invitation to visit an area of Mexico where we’ve never been.
The trick, I think, is appealing to the other person’s latent desire to do something other than what their title confines them to.
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I like to tell people I’m “retired”. Here in Silicon Valley, that could mean anything.
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I get that question all the time. And I hate it… But that’s society for you. But reality is most people want to be able to say “Nothing” or whatever it is they truly want to be doing!!! I guess in the end you learn to shrug off people’s judgments. I just told a few friends I’m planning on going on a mini sabbatical and switching careers and you should see the looks/reactions I’m already getting! Pretty amazing. As long as you know you want to leap and you know what makes you happy, that’s what counts. The rest of them can stay stuck in their worlds!
I loved this post.
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I have to agree with Lola, a very powerful post. The interesting thing is that I actually think most people like to identify with their job/position/title, whether they like the job or not. They don’t know how to have their own seperate identity. Society has offered conformity all their lives and they are willingly led down this path.
Not to get too serious, but this type of behavior also leads to massive political mistakes, creates cults of personality, and in the end, can result in terrible human suffering.
These are the same people who retire and go back to work a year later. Nothing wrong with this if you are doing it because you love it, but usually they do it because they are bored. Really? You have no capacity to determine how you want to spend your time, so you have to have someone else tell you how to use it?
Keep up the good work.
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Fascinating stuff! I guess the upside to reinventing yourself every few years, as I seem to find myself perpetually doing, is that you don’t get particularly attached to a title. I went from stripper to international project manager (for another of those “you’d recognize it” Fortune 100 companies) in the space of less than a week. I had a lot of fun with that change! Particularly in our illustrious nation’s capital, an epicenter of self-important titles.
I’m still catching up on your last few posts because I spent the last week at Burning Man, where almost *nobody* asks what you do back in the default world. I didn’t even realize it until we were leaving, when I discovered I had no idea what the rest of my campmates’ professions were. What a refreshing change! It’s hard to find that kind of oasis, though…
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Thanks for addressing the subject!
I find the question awkward, too.
But on sassy days, I enjoy telling people I am a kept woman.
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I have an old friend who was a successful businessman that had found a way to limit his consumption of status goods while also growing a profitable business. The net result was a man that had the sense of life of a bohemian and the bank account of a highly paid corporate clone.
When he was being sized-up with the “So, what do you do” question, he would answer: Whatever the hell I want to.
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Here’s how it goes with me…
Q: “Where are you from?”
A: “Seattle”
Q: “What do you do for a living?”
A: “Computers”
“Ohhhhh….”
It usually ends there, with a lot of incorrect assumptions. Unless of course I’m speaking to a recent CS grad… Then it gets really ugly. I have to explain to them that I don’t work for Google, Microsoft, Nintendo et al. Then I tell them that what I do is more about John von Neumann and Bletchly Park than Jeff Bezos and Amazon.com. Sometimes they think I’m being funny/ironic, like the guy wearing the Scorpians t-shirt to a My Morning Jacket show. Then they get really angry and confused because they get the feeling that somehow I cheated and was able to do an end-run around college, PHP, Ruby, .NET and the rest of it and still somehow be successful.
Maybe I should start calling myself a dog whisperer…
So true!
It seems like the default question at adult gatherings is “what do you do?” and it was so easy for me to reply “Engineer at XYZ”….now things are a little trickier. I learned the hard way not to tell people that I am “vagbonding” for a living.
“blogger” for some reason conjures up images of a guy with a Mohawk living in his parent’s basement. So I changed my answer to “writer” and it almost seems to make people hostile….without a blink, they want to know where I am published, how often, and how much I make. If I answer “on websites”…then I usually get an “ohh..” and a sigh of relief on their part!
Maybe the best answer at parties of “what do you do?” is just to say “IRS agent” and hope that they run like hell.
Christine- you’ll get there. You traded your title for something you love instead. Not everyone has the courage or wherewithal to do that!
When I was a kid, my dad was just beginning his career as a sculptor. We lived in the backwaters of Northern Michigan, and we had absolutely no money. When people would ask me what my dad did, i would blurt out,
“He does pewter!”
“Uh,” they would stare at me, confused, “COM-puters?”
“No,” i would patiently explain “PEWTER. And bronze. He carves horses and dragons and ducks, and he casts them in metal.”
“Ohhhh….” they would nod, “an ARTIST.” Then they would glance at my ratty shoes and hand-me-down clothes and nod again, understanding all at once.
I hadn’t learned the social hierarchy yet, and by the time I did, our entire family had built a (sometimes) profitable business. It started with a passion for art, and is still going with a custom design jewelry store! It took more work than I care to remember, sacrifice of everything from time to personal space, and it still takes hard work and guts and determination.
I know you’ll make it, too. Keep answering what you do, and to hell with what people think.
Love that header pic, too, btw.
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Hi Christine,
Thanks for following me on Twitter (http://twitter.com/hondagrrl)
I worked for nearly 10 years at a popular automotive website, and loved my job — until I was terminated as part of a cost-cutting measure when part of the company was being sold. It was unbelievably painful to separate “myself” from “my role” — find a new job and create a new “me.” (http://askpatty.typepad.com/ask_patty_/2008/07/perspective-bei.html)
Two years later, I love being able to say I am a freelance automotive journalist blogging about family, cars, and travel. I never knew I would love it so much. And yes, aside from the pain of buying independent health insurance for myself and my family, and the occasional dearth of assignments, I never knew I could be so happy.
Thank you for sharing! I love your blog and will link to you whenever I can.
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Thanks for following me on Twitter/NYjetsetter. Why are people so obsessed with titles in our society? I’ve been living in NYC for almost two years and the first couple of questions are ALWAYS: what do you do for a living? what part of the city do you live in?
These questions basically allow them to place you in a specific income bracket. I used to exhaust myself justifying where I lived, but then realized that if these people were going to think less of me simply because of my zip code, they probably aren’t the type of people I want to surround myself with.
But then again, perhaps people who are meeting each other for the first time don’t feel comfortable asking personal questions so they ask these impersonal questions that have been socially accepted throughout the years.
Are we that lazy? Do we lack originality and stick to routine out of convenience? Let’s be innovative and ask someone about their favorite trip, favorite 80s trend, favorite invention, etc. You get my drift!
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I didn’t leave an impressive career behind when I took the leap to quit my job and raise my kids. But fortunately, I found a great group of moms to hang out with–ones who didn’t care what my title was before I became a mom.
I guess all that matters is the face in the mirror that stares back at you each morning. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not conquered.
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RE” “Lesson #1.”
Your premise is bullshit.
You want rejection? Try being an editor sometime. You want unappreciated? Try being an editor sometime. You want to know why editors drink? Try being an editor sometime. I hope all of you amateur “writers” just die. Professionals don’t have time for dabblers or hobbyists or lifestyle wannabes who come around pitching first-person “day in the life of my cat from the cat’s POV” stories like they’re clever or cute or original and you just make me want to vomit. And then the freaking publishers and marketers and “Business” types who tell you one day to make sure the stories mention as many advertisers and their useless products as possible and then turn about 180 degrees the next, saying the articles are reading “too catalog-y” lately. And oh, yes, the advertisers themselves. Like the self-important motherfuckers that call out of the clear blue sky about a brief item that ran in an issue three months ago who’s taking issue with our use of the word, “brick” and how DARE we use it to to describe a reddish-brown, rectangular block of hardened clay that’s used to construct buildings and what am I going to to to make him happy? Support from the staff? Fuck that–the salesmonkeys will be right up your ass when they hear of the advertiser’s “concerns” and, of course, they’ve got a 12-time program and it’s all YOUR fault if they drop their program so run a cover story about how we fucked up! Or the reader who will blindside you at a trade show about something he took issue with in a story or maybe an ad or maybe it was something but it was in your magazine and this yahoo is going to stand there and deliver his “speech to the fucked-up stupid editor” that he’s had six months to rehearse and meanwhile you’re just having to stand there and pretend to give a flying rat fuck about anything this hick motherfucker has to say while you rack your brain trying to remember something–ANYTHING–that could possibly remind you of what in the holy mother of fuck this assclown is talking about and the sweat is trickling down the center of your back and you didn’t get any breakfast this morning because you were “covering” the keynote address and business meeting and that started at 7:30 a.m. but you’re on the east coast so it was really like 3:30 a.m. and now you just want to punch this blabbermouth standing there taking you to task over something that makes no sense right in his flabby throat or that a blood vessel will burst in your brain and bring you finally to sweet, sweet peace.
Yeah. You carping bunch of wobbly-kneed bedwetters. Try being an editor if you have the sack.
Dave: You should have gone to bed after the 7th gin and tonic. Sleep it off, buddy.
Maybe you should take a year or two off to go vagabonding before you take a machine gun into work one day…..!
With so many business titles that I don’t even understand any more (Analyst? Analyze what? VP? Of what? None of these titles tell me what someone does.), at least writer and/or blogger are easy to understand. It says what you do, although probably not how, and for most conversations I think that’s enough. From there you can choose how much further to talk about the topic.
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Brilliant! It has always bugged the hell out of me. Especially the “higher up” you go in this often absurd society of ours.
It works similarly with jobs that sound better on tv than they are in real life. When I was a Private Investigator, I quickly learned that telling people so at parties turned into fending off the barrage of questions that just popped into your head when you read that.
I found it a lot easier to just tell people I worked at the post office. They never had any questions, and I was perfectly okay with them thinking less of me.
We are going to have to change that “going postal” phrase to something scarier. “Going Editor” doesn’t have as nice a ring to it, but it seems more appropriate after Dave’s comment aneurysm. :-O
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C – may I PLEASE steal your comeback line? so great. Did hw forget he chose to be an editor and that he could also q-u-i-t? That was back in July, so maybe things have chilled out for him.
As for the topic – I just avoid all parties/social gatherings since i don’t enjoy them and then I don’t have to answer (or ask) these questions. And when I do, saying “librarian” either, happily, causes fun conversations about books, or often glazed eyes. See, you guys are doing it right now… come back! stop with the glazed eyes thing! I want to tell you what I’m reading!…or check out my last post for some fun librarian trivia. May as well get some more mileage out of that since I’m behind on posting
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I think people who ask the question so who do you work for are boorish. I think we just haven’t learned how to be social. Before the traditional holiday season comes around I think we can all arm ourselves with some really good questions and as often as possible lets try to kickstart the conversation in a tone that is more social, less hierarchical. How about these:
“What do you love about your what you do?”,
“What’s going on in your community?”
“What do you love to do in your spare time?”
“What are your favourite places to travel?”
“Been anywhere lately?”
As for feeling a little low about your role, consider working on a compelling vision / mission statement that gets you excited.
The truth of the matter is most people will be jealous of your self-governance structure. A true answer spoken with pride will elicit a much more influential air.
First be really proud, excited about what you do.
Then respond truthfully, “Ain’t nobody telling me what to do, ain’t reporting to anyone. I create new things every day and every day is an adventure.”
When it comes to names and titles I get floored all the time, I recently filled out a conference attendance form and when I got to the job title section I paused and just wrote it in defiance of what I deemed to be an irrelevant question …. I showed up my name badge read, “Head dude”. Now that’s a conversation starter.
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“I don’t work, I come in and play all day.” Check out this guy for inspiration:
http://thecleversheep.blogspot.com/2009/11/which-brands-of-soda-do-you-sell.html
@toddlucier´s last blog ..Twitter / Google Partnership means more to Google than Twitter
I noticed the same to be true even before I had a career. I moved to Spain to live for my last two years of college. The questions of the social scene in the US was, What is your name? and What are you studying? (just a preliminary stage into the cultural infatuation with titles). When I moved to Spain it was What is your name? Where are you from (because of my accent)? and then the conversation continued. It wasn’t focused on what role I would pursue or currently have, it was focused on the now.
Congrats on the post. It certainly rocks the boat of the US’ concern on titles.
I agree with the post and the comments…but often find it hard to come up with alternative questions.
I like toddlucier’s tips for better questions!
It’s hard for us to think outside of that box because it IS what we spend our days doing and what we know to talk about best. If you’re not comfortable with the answer to that question CHANGE what you do.
I think you put into words what many of us find an awkward but unavoidable part of social life in the US. I agree some of the best times are those when you connect with others about the present situation, and walk away not knowing what they ‘do’ but knowing who they ‘are’.
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