Full Circle: Finding What You Already Knew

This is part 5 of 5 on a series about my journey. Read the other parts here: Escapism: the Dirty Word that Keeps Us Doing What We Loathe, Making the Time and Money Connection, The New Career Shakedown, and Overcoming Internal Objections and Finding a Career You Love.

In previous installments, I wrote about labeling your dreams as escapism, a trick that keeps us doing things that we don’t love. Next I examined the realization that I was giving my time away for money (to buy things), when I should have been working to free up my time to pursue what I love. I covered my process for finding a new career, and how uncertainty and fear of risk kept me in the same dead end loop. Finally I talked about overcoming my own obstacles, to stop the cycle of negative thinking (this can never happen for me) and start planning for what I want (I can solve the roadblocks as they come).

Even as I wrote these articles, I felt somewhat distant from that version of myself that struggled with these issues. If you are considering making a large lifestyle change, you’ll know that it doesn’t happen overnight. You’ll also know that it isn’t easy. But what isn’t immediately apparent is that once you cross a certain line, it changes you. When I was researching for more information about traveling, I read so many stories about people taking a year off for their RTW trip or others working remotely from anywhere in the world and still others ditching their careers all together, and making life on the road work for them. They seemed so brave to me. It seemed so easy for them. I couldn’t imagine a world where I would so effortlessly redesign my life.

The only thing I had to do was get out of my own way.

To demonstrate this, I will share an experience I had this past week as we sorted through the last of our belongings left over after the yard sale and giving most other things away. As I dug through boxes untouched since our last move, I found a red leather bound journal. The journal was wedged between old tax returns and had made the trip from Seattle to our house in Texas, and finally to Boston without being noticed. I began reading, and was stunned to discover, first hand, who I was, just four years ago.

March 8th, 2004

Drew and I mapped out our around the world trip tonight drawing a long black line tracking our course through 5 continents and 34 countries. I don’t know what kind of solace I find in indulging in these fantasy planning orgies but it’s a reoccurring theme in my life. 4-5 years ago it was San Francisco. Now living in Seattle and having tasted Spain and Italy I’ve gotten greedier. South East Asia, every inch of Europe, southern Africa, Oceania…

I had forgotten about this incident completely. Reading this entry felt like spying on myself, as if I was privy to things about myself that even I didn’t understand. I felt a chill run down my arms, it was so surreal–I felt a little disoriented. I called my husband into the room and read the rest of the entry to him:

I work now at [redacted]. A 9-5 software position that pays just enough to make leaving unattractive. Oh I want to leave, but the promise of future promotions keeps me mildly hopeful that this position will work out.

Yet it won’t. I know this and simultaneously plan my escape. Would it be 30 days in Thailand? 6 months in South America? 2 years around the world?

We just stared at each other, amazed. Had I really been thinking about this that long? We hadn’t started seriously planning to travel until about six months ago. Now standing in an empty apartment, several promotions later, two moves away, it’s suddenly clear how far I’ve come in the last four years. We read through the rest of the journal, but there is no further mention of traveling abroad. In the following entries I start talking about buying a house (which we eventually did) and apparently I had dismissed the idea of traveling completely. There is one last entry in the journal and it hints at what is to come:

Sept 11th, 2004

“This week I’ve come to the conclusion that I need a new career.

Naturally I won’t be leaving my job any time soon, which consequently is going no where.”

I snapped the journal shut and shook my head, smiling, mouth open. I was amazed, searching my mind for some connection to the person four years ago that didn‘t even entertain her secret dream. Mostly I felt joy. It was like finding proof that I had made some wish on a falling star, and finding out it came true. It wasn’t magic, I had just done it. I wish I could write 2004 Christine a letter and let her know that it will all work out. To let her know that she doesn’t have to pack away what she thinks will make her happy in exchange for what she thinks she has to do. Would she believe me?

I hugged my husband and then we got back to work. In five days we have a plane to catch.

What would you do, if you knew it would definitely work out?