This is part 5 of 5 on a series about my journey. Read the other parts here: Escapism: the Dirty Word that Keeps Us Doing What We Loathe, Making the Time and Money Connection, The New Career Shakedown, and Overcoming Internal Objections and Finding a Career You Love.
In previous installments, I wrote about labeling your dreams as escapism, a trick that keeps us doing things that we don’t love. Next I examined the realization that I was giving my time away for money (to buy things), when I should have been working to free up my time to pursue what I love. I covered my process for finding a new career, and how uncertainty and fear of risk kept me in the same dead end loop. Finally I talked about overcoming my own obstacles, to stop the cycle of negative thinking (this can never happen for me) and start planning for what I want (I can solve the roadblocks as they come).
Even as I wrote these articles, I felt somewhat distant from that version of myself that struggled with these issues. If you are considering making a large lifestyle change, you’ll know that it doesn’t happen overnight. You’ll also know that it isn’t easy. But what isn’t immediately apparent is that once you cross a certain line, it changes you. When I was researching for more information about traveling, I read so many stories about people taking a year off for their RTW trip or others working remotely from anywhere in the world and still others ditching their careers all together, and making life on the road work for them. They seemed so brave to me. It seemed so easy for them. I couldn’t imagine a world where I would so effortlessly redesign my life.
The only thing I had to do was get out of my own way.
To demonstrate this, I will share an experience I had this past week as we sorted through the last of our belongings left over after the yard sale and giving most other things away. As I dug through boxes untouched since our last move, I found a red leather bound journal. The journal was wedged between old tax returns and had made the trip from Seattle to our house in Texas, and finally to Boston without being noticed. I began reading, and was stunned to discover, first hand, who I was, just four years ago.
March 8th, 2004
Drew and I mapped out our around the world trip tonight drawing a long black line tracking our course through 5 continents and 34 countries. I don’t know what kind of solace I find in indulging in these fantasy planning orgies but it’s a reoccurring theme in my life. 4-5 years ago it was San Francisco. Now living in Seattle and having tasted Spain and Italy I’ve gotten greedier. South East Asia, every inch of Europe, southern Africa, Oceania…
I had forgotten about this incident completely. Reading this entry felt like spying on myself, as if I was privy to things about myself that even I didn’t understand. I felt a chill run down my arms, it was so surreal–I felt a little disoriented. I called my husband into the room and read the rest of the entry to him:
I work now at [redacted]. A 9-5 software position that pays just enough to make leaving unattractive. Oh I want to leave, but the promise of future promotions keeps me mildly hopeful that this position will work out.
Yet it won’t. I know this and simultaneously plan my escape. Would it be 30 days in Thailand? 6 months in South America? 2 years around the world?
We just stared at each other, amazed. Had I really been thinking about this that long? We hadn’t started seriously planning to travel until about six months ago. Now standing in an empty apartment, several promotions later, two moves away, it’s suddenly clear how far I’ve come in the last four years. We read through the rest of the journal, but there is no further mention of traveling abroad. In the following entries I start talking about buying a house (which we eventually did) and apparently I had dismissed the idea of traveling completely. There is one last entry in the journal and it hints at what is to come:
Sept 11th, 2004
“This week I’ve come to the conclusion that I need a new career.
Naturally I won’t be leaving my job any time soon, which consequently is going no where.”
I snapped the journal shut and shook my head, smiling, mouth open. I was amazed, searching my mind for some connection to the person four years ago that didn‘t even entertain her secret dream. Mostly I felt joy. It was like finding proof that I had made some wish on a falling star, and finding out it came true. It wasn’t magic, I had just done it. I wish I could write 2004 Christine a letter and let her know that it will all work out. To let her know that she doesn’t have to pack away what she thinks will make her happy in exchange for what she thinks she has to do. Would she believe me?
I hugged my husband and then we got back to work. In five days we have a plane to catch.
What would you do, if you knew it would definitely work out?
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Christine-
So great! I read my old journals from time to time and am always struck by similar realizations– how the seed of what I’m living now in full flower was planted years ago.
Julies last blog post..Playing Dress Up
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:13 pm
This will be my second big life change. When I was 26 I left my marriage, my hometown, my (nothing) job and my family to move to ‘the big city’ and go to school. It is, so far, the best decision I ever made in my life.
The ‘me’ I am now was always in the ‘me’ I was then, she was just very small and unrealized. I don’t think of myself as different now – I just see that ‘other me’ as having blossomed and become more realized.
This makes me wonder why it has taken me so long, this time, to make the decision, to cross that line, to finally get up the courage. I know it’s all going to work out, I know I won’t regret it, I know it will be one of the best decisions I’ll ever make – why then, haven’t I drawn more from my last experience and done this sooner? I guess I wasn’t ready. I am now.
Julie, I love your comment: “how the seed of what I’m living now in full flower was planted years ago” — very fitting.
June 23rd, 2008 at 1:40 pm
This series was so wonderful and inspirational. I truly admire what you are doing and will continue to follow you on your journey. I hope that I am not far behind you in a similar pursuit of my own! I’m doing all I can right now to make it happen…
Tonys last blog post..Try Weighted Lunges In Your Leg Workout
June 23rd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
If there is anything I’d go back to tell my old self of a few months ago, it would be to slow it down and not be in such a rush to get going. But when you want to get away, you want to get away. I enjoy reading my personal journal of my trip that I’m keeping way back when I started in December of 07. It was so imaginary back then and now, so close I am. A trip I’ve dreamed of for years is only 51 days away. Vague ideas and small talk isn’t the case anymore.
Just last night I was stressing over the trip, but as I’ve heard and been told and know for myself, everything will work out. It always does. New ideas always spring into my head, so I think that is what becomes stressful. So much to do, so little time. Anyways, that is great your going to Madrid in five days. Your on the roller coaster clanking itself upwards, awaiting the drop…
June 23rd, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I think that what is insightful about this post is that it goes back to your previous post about how to find a career you love. To find a career you love you can reread journals and see what your past loves, dreams and inspirations were.
Elizabeths last blog post..Orbitz Refunds Price Drops with Price Assurance
June 23rd, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I wish I could go back and tell myself from 10 years ago to take the previous exit. I’ve spent 10 years stressing over and building a career I now hate. Sounds like a lot of us have done that. Now I am just trying to figure out how to get out of this. I am also glad to hear that I am not the only one who feels like they are peeking when they look back at old journal entries. I found one from about 8 years ago, and I almost went and fulfilled my life dream but decided it “wasn’t practical”. Sigh. Maybe someday now …
IT Pilgrims last blog post..Karōshi
June 23rd, 2008 at 5:12 pm
I have thouroughly enjoyed reading this series. I am going through the same things that you have gone through right now, and I hope I have enough courage to make things happen for myself. Thanks for all your inspirations! I can’t wait to read about your journey once it takes off!!!
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:24 pm
It’s like that old saying….the more things change, the more they stay the same.
you knew what you were going to do years ago…it just took a while to get comfortable with it. I always knew I hated 9-5 desk work….I always wanted flexibility…it just took me awhile to get there…
Nomadic Matts last blog post..Travel Credit Cards
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:44 pm
This series has definitely been a great inspiration to my own journey down the path of figuring out what to do next. Reading your story reminds me that all of the work and changes I’m making now will continue pushing me in the right direction.
Loris last blog post..Solo Journey - Dublin
June 24th, 2008 at 8:49 am
I have to agree with the other commentors. This was a great series. Top 5% for this topic.
If I knew it would work out I would quit and write novels. The good thing is I can still do this with a full time job, but it’s much more difficult.
Chad @ Sentient Moneys last blog post..Is Popeye Out of Spinach?
June 24th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Thanks everyone! I’m glad you liked it, and even if you don’t, I’m always open to feedback, which this group is always so great about providing.
You know one of the things I enjoy most about writing this blog, is reading the thoughtful comments. They often make me question my own positions, add new insight or expand on the conversation.
I often have Ah-Ha! moments, like Julie’s comment above about planting the seed and watching it blossom. That really resonated with me. Or like Gillian’s comment sharing her experience with life changes, and realizing, “right, I have done that before too”, but also realizing that it still doesn’t make it easier. Or IT Pilgrim, who sounds so much like me, I have such high hopes for her.
In fact, I can’t go back and change things for myself, but I hope I’m added some value to world now. And wouldn’t it be amazing if someone made the leap and was happy and successful partly because what they read here, not just in the posts, but in these great comments too.
So, thanks. You guys rock.