When you announce to your family that you are quitting your job, selling everything and moving half way around the world with the intention of traveling indefinitely, you might be met with any range of responses from “Wow that’s awesome” to “Really?”
When it comes to your family though, I think it’s what isn’t said that is more potent. One thing I hadn’t anticipated was the underlying subtext that would permeate every conversation. You’re not leaving the country; you’re leaving them. You’re not quitting your job; your quitting what they have said is important. You’re not selling everything; you’re dismissing things they value. They don’t say it; they would never. But how could such a radical life change be anything less than a statement on your life—and by proxy a statement about how they have chosen to live their lives?
It’s one of the things they don’t mention in the 4-hour work week or in any travel guide. Leaving friends and family is hard, to be sure, but navigating the sensitive subject of “why” is more difficult. How do you explain your desire to leave, without sounding like a crass ingrate?
Perhaps these feelings don’t come up when you’re 22 and backpacking through SE Asia. You’re young, seeing the world, it’s to be expected, encouraged. But when you’re a 31 year old, established professional, with a home full of possessions, a spouse, two dogs and parents ready for grandchildren, it isn’t about youthful indiscretions. You’re taking a path outside the norm, subverting the years of social programming that said you “can’t” or you “shouldn’t”. In short, you are saying, “there is something better”.
But families are supportive, and instead of confronting your choice, they play wait and see. It isn’t DEFCON 1, yet. But little things do slip out, I’ve noticed. “I hope you find what you are looking for.” Certainly not a “Stella!” moment, but it’s there. The little hints that maybe you are being frivolous. “It’s too bad you got the dogs, it will be really hard on them.” The tiniest disapproval wrapped in concern. “Well will I at least see you once before you leave?” Gesundheit.
I can completely understand their feelings, but I’m still at a loss for to handle the situation. I want to smooth things over, but how? I want them to feel warm and happy about this change, just like I do. I have no doubt that they are happy for me… I just want them to be happy with me.
How do you make family feel loved and appreciated while being half a world away?
May 12th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
my parents still haven’t got used to it completely. they will live in a state of denial forever. all you can do is call and write and hope that one day they understand. in the end, they get it but they are just forever gonna be sad.
nothing short of staying home is really going to get them to change their minds….they just will slowly get used to it…
May 12th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Christine,
You have touched on one of the points that we are struggling with - and we haven’t told our family yet! We, as you have said, want to be sensitive to not dismiss what most other people find ‘normal’ but at the same time we want our family and friends to be excited for us. I think it does become more difficult as we get older and farther away from the ‘roaming 20’s’ (we are 40) - there is a sense that we won’t be able to get back what we’ve worked so hard for so far…and I wonder if I want it back at all.
May 14th, 2008 at 10:49 am
@Matt: That’s what I was afraid of. Unfortunately it’s just one of the costs of doing something different than what people expect.
@Gillian: That is one of the reoccuring themes in my conversations– how long can you do this and not throw away your career. For me, I would guess that anything under a year is easily explainable. After that, I start to lose touch with collegues, and since I work in software, my knowledge grows stale very quickly as new versions come out. I’m not too concerned though because I can’t picture myself running back to this field any time soon.
May 15th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
I totally respect Matt’s answer, and I’ll add a hopeful note. I was super worried about my parents’ reaction. After all, they’d just finished paying for my MSW, and no sooner did I earn it (and not go to the graduation ceremony) then I was blowing the field–and, by extension–my whole professional future off.
But! My parents have adjusted and are, I think, truly happy for me. I think they understand that I have found my true calling, and that really does make them happy.
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May 27th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I think I actually felt closer to my family when I was living in Africa. My day-to-day life in America can often be quite dull giving us little to talk about, but when I was in Africa, they had millions of questions about everything new and exciting. I was craving information about home and would tear open every letter or would jump for the phone in rare instances it that it rang. Back in the states, I seem to take everything for granted. I know when it comes time for me to move abroad again they won’t be happy, but it’s important for family to understand that some people cannot stay still.
May 29th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Thanks for writing this post. This ring so true to me and my family and I haven’t even left yet!
June 5th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Your second paragraph reminded me of a post on Vagabondish, especially in the comments section of the post. I thought you might enjoy it: http://www.vagabondish.com/why-the-idea-of-growing-up-is-nonsense/
I’m so glad I StumbledUpon your blog today, and I’m looking forward to reading more.
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